Abortion Republican Style

6 01 2008

It’s been over 30 years since Roe v. Wade went down, and God is not happy. In fact, He is furious. But of course, liberals do not want to listen to the divine word of God, nor do they care about their eternal salvation. But it is time that we got the US of A back in line with the Lord Almighty. So I am putting together this plan to America back on track.

1. Overturn Roe v Wade. Note that this is only the first point of my plan. Making abortion illegal is just a start. God wants us to do much more. I will also add that we should give amnesty to any Christian that murdered in cold blood an abortion doctor. If you think about it, the Christian will be in heaven, and the abortion doctor is going to H-E double toothpicks. In some ways, we should honor these Christian believers for leading the cause.

2. Change the definition of birthday. The Bible is quite clear, life begins at inception, not at delivery. But liberals call our birthday, when we exit the womb. We must reject this liberal thinking away from God. More or less, we were all born about 9 months early, and so we are all 9 months older.Before liberals get all excited, we also need to change the drinking age to 21 years and 9 months, and the driving age to 16 years and 9 months. God is in no hurry to have more liberal drunken blow holes.This is going to be some work, because we will need to change the birth date of EVERYONE worldwide for all of time. When we go back in time, because of liberal ineptitude, we cannot accurately determine the inception date of all people, but I am OK if we just add 9 months to the birthdate of all people retrospectively.These rules are not just for the United States, God wants this worldwide. God knows damn well that there are lots of non Christian and liberal countries in the world. THEY ALL MUST CHANGE. This is worth fighting for and dying for. We need to send the world a strong message that we are serious. Only then will God be happy with us.

3. Women’s eggs. But now here comes the piece of resistance in frog speak. We need to start tracking all women’s eggs worldwide. God’s plan is that every month, every woman must report to the US government the status of their eggs. Most months, women will report that they had their menstruation and they flushed their eggs down the toilet. But if they are pregnant, they report immediately and voila (more frog speak), we have the inception date. More importantly, we now have an anticipated birth date. If the baby is not born by the birth date, an investigation will be launched to see if an abortion has occured. I think God is smiling now, because I know that I am. My plan is brilliant with a capital B.But it gets better. Once we have the global database of female eggs, it will put a sock in the embryonic stem cell research. Thank God we have George W Bush, the greatest president in the history of the Universe. If it were not Saint Bush’s veto, there would be a lot more uncategorized eggs.

So that’s the plan. It’s pretty simple really. Now liberals are going to start their belly aching and whining. This plan is very intrusive and an invasion of our rights and privacy. They can put a sock in it. This is not my plan, this is God’s plan. I’m just the humble messenger.


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2 responses

24 01 2008
Bwana Redneck

This is a great plan…as far as it goes. But it’s also time we took the next step and banned birth control. All forms of birth control lead to the destruction of incipient life, by killing eggs before or just after implantation or by killing sperm on their path to eggs. Do sperm not deserve the same protections as eggs? Of course they do! Every sperm is sacred in God’s eyes. So condoms must be banned. Liberals will argue that condoms are needed in the battle against STDs and AIDS, but we know that if each of us has sex with only one other partner in our lives, and that this is true for our partners–and that this sex take place after we are married–there is no need to worry about diseases. And of course the IUD kills eggs, as do all those pills and other chemical weapons of mass egg destruction, so they must be made illegal.

Some will whine that this means that sex must only occur when procreation is intended. They are no doubt Democrats. Any sensible Republican knows that sex is about procreation and not about pleasure. We need to stop all of this talk of pleasure and remember that sex is a serious job, with the goal of populating this Earth with more God-fearing Christian Republicans. This, obviously, also means that we must make masturbation illegal. Spilling incipient life into a toilet bowl!!! What a tragedy!

Onward Christian Soldiers!

14 06 2015
Paul Meyer

Is diddling outside of marriage only defined as adultery if a liberal does it?

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